Light Thru the Darkness
Yesterday was one of the darkest days I've experienced outside of the first awful days/weeks since the suicide of a young person close to us. It very much hit me by surprise. I seem to be entering into a time where the numbness and unbelief that fools you in the beginning is dropping away. I am now periodically hit with the realization, the sheer weight, of what happened and how it has effected everything. Its still way too early and raw to even try to explain the range of emotions, fears, anxieties, sadness and black hole this has created or to even talk about it specifically here but want to say is I pulled out of the pit that was yesterday in a large part due to wonderful friends and prayers. And a trail ride! First I'll talk about my friends.
God was continually brought people in my life to carry me when I have lost my way in this journey. I did have the presence of mind to tell myself I need to write down those times. I need to journal and record each and every one because they have been nothing short of supernatural. I know God sends earthly angels to be at the right place at the right time if we allow ourselves to be open to it. He has definitely done that for me in some very personal and special ways. I need to REMEMBER the times I was given a hug from heaven, a hand to hold, a shoulder to cry on. God IS love and is the same yesterday, today and tomorrow. Why God did not supernaturally intervene on that awful day I do not know. So many questions - believe me I have had them swirling around my head since this happened but now am tired of trying to figure out what I can not change. I would go back in time in a nano second if I could and change it all but I can't. All I can do is get thru this moment and then the next and the next. I know He gives us free choice but I have dealt with depression in the past so I also know how distorted a person dealing with severe depression thinking changes due to brain chemicals that is beyond personal control. It can't be 'cured' on its own just like any other physical disease without treatment. Asking for help with depression is nothing to be ashamed of. It is NOT a sign of weakness or a character flaw of some kind. It is being human and let's just be honest- we live in a broken world with extraordinary ugliness as well as beauty. Its easy to get overwhelmed with the struggles of this world. We all have tough things to deal with. That's when we need each other so we can know we are not alone. But you have to ask and sometimes even wait. Wait for the emotions to pass, things to shift, a person to sit with you, God to speak or the quiet to listen. Ask and wait and ask again if need be. I know the hard emotions feel like they will last forever but they DO pass. Things change and get better. Seeking treatment is a sign of strength not weakness or shameful.
I can say grieving a suicide has stripped away so many things I thought were important. My main focus now has been on drawing close to God because in the end I will have nothing else. But I also know with God I have everything.
Since this blog is titled Horses and Healing I will add that being able to ride my horses has been a tremendous tool and gift in all of this. My horses quiet my mind and without fail put me in a better place mentally. Why horses? I've been reading and studying equine-assisted learning and therapy for a while now and read the theories and personal accounts as to the whys and hows. I don't know if any of us have those answers yet but lets just suffice it to say they can and do often help people in this way. For that I am thankful. I had lunch yesterday with an amazing friend who has been a consistent prayer warrior for me since this happened and shared stories of God's faithfulness. She prayed with me and set me on my feet again. I had facebook friends praying for me too and just to see the list and know someone thought enough to say- "I'll pray for you during this tough day' meant the world to me. I came home and went on a trail ride on a beautiful day with a young friend who lost a mother a few years ago. We both know the benefits of horses and got to enjoy them together and it was a blessing. Please don't ever be afraid to reach out in your distress. If the people around you are not able to comfort for whatever reason keep reaching because that is the lifeline in which God works.